Feels like a culmination of the worst possible outcomes today. All the accumulated crap of the last few months came crashing down yesterday and I swing from suicidal scenarios to self pity [is there a difference?] to aggression and back again. Waves of emotion. No fucking point anymore.
And still I somehow manage to maintain a validating and largely non-judgmental interaction with my clients. This is hard work. What feels like playful banter while I’m doing it seems to really take it out of me after the fact.
I feel isolated from my colleagues. I feel totally invalidated. And all this was wrought by a few words that caused some neurons in my brain to trigger the devastating cascade of self-pity and self-loathing.
I’m fucking suffering here.
First week-day off for what seems like ages. Was allowed to sleep in today, which given my chronic lack of sleep — I average about 4 to 5 hours per night — was a godsend. Outside of work, given just a few days off, my sleep pattern becomes chaotic in very short order. Some days I hardly sleep at all until 8 in the morning. Other times I fall asleep in the evening and get up at 3 am. Although I’m surrounded by books I hardly ever read, but mostly end up on the sofa in front of the large TV connected to the PC playing video games that don’t challenge my rational faculties too much. I managed to fall asleep at the wheel in American Truck Simulator the other day. Reverse parking an articulated trailer seems like the good deed for the day on my days off.
Quality time with d2 two days ago. I was beginning to think that I didn’t have it in me anymore. Most days are spent shouting at the kids. Stress levels are high, egos are inflated [mine especially], and fuses are short.
At work it’s all murder and death some days. I spent 10 minutes crying in the rest room a few weeks ago after a particularly harrowing session. Started worrying about my own kids then. Anxiety levels are ok. Prozac does its best to keep most demons locked away.
Plans for the future abound, but I lack the energy, pacing and determination to see them through or even to contemplate them in more detail.
I preach mindfulness to all. But, I have yet to implement it in my own life.
Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge without implementation is far worse than bliss….